Life Changing

I am scared. There I said it. Now its out in the world for every one to know. Why am I so scared? you are probably wondering. Failure its what I have been so fantastic at in the past. I am so use to failing. It has taken me years to figure out why at every turn I was met with failure. I was basing my actions on everyone else's reactions or needs. There have been positive qualities learned from this skills in compassion, friendliness, need to follow the rules, creative people skills. (As a youth being raised in mostly Mormon settings I got labeled the brown noser quite frequently.) The negatives are what I am left struggling to reclaim and re-purpose into something new. 

Number One is asking for help. I need to learn to reach out and do this more often. I have low self worth and think that there is no way that little ol' me could have any sort of impact on anyone around me, yet I have heard from many people how valuable I am to them it just doesn't make that connect, my wires are broken maybe? 

Number Two Stop self destructive behaviors. Now I am not quite sure self destructive is the word but I have my dream sitting in front of me. Its RIGHT THERE I can actually reach out and touch it. (I have with a sledgehammer) Yet I am dragging my feet. I have been beating myself up why why is it so close yet I have done nothing. It hit me, its my dream I am doing this myself, for myself with the amazing support of the most amazing friends one could have anywhere in the world and it is the first time I have tried to do anything for me. I am scared shitless that I can't do it. There is so much unknown. So much outside my comfort zone. I guess that leads us to 

Number Three  Throw the comfort zone out the window. Do new things. I use to love to explore and do new things. Every day as a child I spent having amazing adventures whether it was the real world or my world the adventures were always new and different. Now that scares me. What do people think of me? why do I care so much about this? what if I look retarded doing it? What if I do not get it right on the first try? So much to over come and they seem so silly saying out loud.

I have a secret to tell. This mess of tearing down the trailer gives me a tremendous sense of doom paired with over whelming anxiety.  The smell and stuff everywhere inside I emotionally feel like I am being transported back to my childhood. Standing on the ground watching the guys tear into this rotten mold ridden thing my heart is pounding overly worried about them being hurt by the mess or falling through the floor or something falling on them. With my heart pounding, my hands grow sweaty, my mind starts racing, I get overly antsy and it feels like the whole world shrinks. Not how I thought this process would go. I love being able to destroy stuff! How much freaking fun is it to just smash the heck outta something! You don't get to do stuff like that very often I was looking forward to it. Thankfully Pat and Neal  have thoroughly enjoyed smashing it to pieces and there is about only a third left standing on the frame. 

Neal spent a few hours beating the trailer with a shovel since all the tools were on a job.

Let me tell you about the life changing thing that has happened for the tiny house. It will be having a flat roof. Silly I know, but it is actually kinda a huge deal. I hate feeling like I am living in a box. I need more creative ascetics than little boxes all made out of ticty tacty. I was planing on doing a barn type roof for my tiny house. I felt that this would give the maximum head space within the lofts. I knew all along a flat roof would ideally provide the maximum but I did not want to live in a box. I have seen many tiny houses look like this and it just did not reach out to me and say I'm yours! They did nothing to inspire me. One day trying to do some research for figuring out a floor plan for my trailer I was browsing through the The Small House Forum and stumbled upon Ragsdale Homes Tiny Houses on Wheels. They put a patio on the roof!! It seemed like my whole life just changed before my eyes. It totally gave me a DUH! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!?! moment. Genius. It also made me think about this picture of a DIY stargazer fort/platform that I had been seeing on Pinterest.

http://www.ducotedechezvous.com/vivredehors/Jardin%20et%20bassin/cabane-en-mezzanine-pour-jardin,1227050725.html

I am a huge sucker for the stars, in fact I have two tattooed on me. How perfect for me to have my own cozy stargazing platform on the roof oh the memories I can see making there already. It has made me excited to see the finished product.

Here is my first attempt at tackling challenge number one. I need help will you please help me? How can you help me you ask. Kind words are helpful, pass my blog around tell all your friends about my project this leads to a wider berth of help, want to help tear down clean up or build feel free to contact me, want to donate to the building process? things I need 2x4s around 90 of them guesstimate, wiring, any kind of tool, fasteners. That's a few of the big things I need. Wish me luck in finding the strength to break through this self built wall that I can finally reclaim all that is mine.